12/08/24

Life is so crazy. In a good way tho. I know I can come off negative or depressed or whatever on here but I promise I am not sulking. Okay maybe sometimes. Point is tho, I am really happy right now. Like in this very moment. And not cuz everything feels perfect or something insane just happened. More so because life is full of suprises. I am very grateful for my friends and my relationships all around. I am happy to be alive and I am happy to be living a life of my own design. Eternally grategul for the experiences I’ve had this year.

2024 has been something special. One for the books.

Nett rollout stuff cool for sure. Great way to end the year. Been listening to his music since the beginning so its nice to be apart of something that’s gonna hold weight in his catalog.

Appreciate the opporunity to contribute.

Thank you dill <3

Thank you to anyone who’s given me a chance.

Honestly this year woulda played out so different if it wasn’t for a lot of people. It’s funny thinking about the stream of events that take place that lead oneself to something. Like I could retrace all the steps of my creative career. From day 1 to now. I know what I did to meet which person to work for what song for what artist and how that introduced me to that person and then those other people which lead me to find this video which put me onto this style which resulted in networking with the other thing and so on and so forth for the entirety of everything I’ve done.

And what I’ve learned from this is everything counts. Every chance you get to give it your all you have no choice but to do so. Because you just never know…

12/03/24

Looking to trade for tears of joy.

Need more of those.

I miss those.

11/30/24

Thinking about how overthinking has never existed for me when it comes to music. I think that’s beautiful.

Pure even.

11/28/2024

It’s thanksgiving and I am in fact extremely grateful. Despite the impending doom I feel lurking every second of everyday, I’ll never let it win. And for that, I am most thankful. My persistence to be true and not fall victim to the ever-increasing negativity the world creates will continue to carry me. I’ve seen how innocence can be so easily stripped. I must hold onto hope. Hope that not everyone and everything will be so easily polluted. I am beyond grateful to have those around me who share the same values. And even more proud that we are all very different. It is those differences that allow growth within one another. It’s how we learn to experience new life. The chase of said experiences is something to not be taken for granted. We all have something to offer. As long as we remain open minded and pure in heart, the path will illuminate. I don’t have too much to say honestly. At least right now. I will close out with this:

Last night I had some of the worst anxiety I’ve maybe ever endured. The best way to describe it was as if my skin was eloping into itself. I’ll save the details for another day maybe, but insecurity got the best of me. However, I’ve been through it enough to know how to handle these emotions and cope effectively. It is hard to be insecure, especially when it’s things that are completely out of your control. But how you behave, how you choose to react, and how you choose to love yourself despite being imperfect is where all beauty lies. I do not expect anyone, including myself to be perfect. But I’ll be damned if I ever let societal implications determine my well-being.

Everyone is deserving of love and love that is true will reveal itself to those who are open to what’s right in front of them.

I am so happy to be me. To be in this life.

Believing in myself has never failed.

I will continue to be open. I have so much to learn.

Never let your soul burn out. It’s all we got.

(Random, but atm I am pretty sure that not a single person even knows this page exists. I don’t think I write anything crazy in here, but it is all definitely a little offputting. Maybe? I probably come off just like sad or whatever. Which truthfully I am. Actually nah. I am very sensitive though. I have no problem admitting that nowadays. In fact being sensitive has probably done more for me than most characteristics I possess. Which is quite neat. Anyway, if anyway reads this like dm me or sumn and lmk EXACTLY how this is all perceived. Like even if you read some of this and you say to urself: “This dude is soooo corny” You should tell me. I would love to hear it. I think the only take away I want people to get from all these entries is to feel okay with expressing urself more. Personally, I just need to be able to vent and I like this medium of it. Anyway y’all, happy thanksgiving! Tell someone you love them annnnnnnd idk. Maybe buy sumn. Feeling materialistic rn. Black Friday bouta go crazy lol. Okay love y’all).

10/06/2024

I dont like killing insects that come into my home. They too deserve the experience and luxury that is peace.

09/27/2024

Let lore be lore.

09/09/2024

Over the course of this last month I have felt very lazy. Very much addicted to quick pleasures. Distractions come in various forms. However, today being my first day available to actively plan my move to New York, I had a moment of reflection. I remember being in High School and telling my friends in my Junior year chemistry class how one day I would like to frequent NYC pursuing creative endeavors. At the time I was constructing and screenprinting clothes in my house. I thought my dream was to be a fashion designer. I was overly influenced by heavy music and street fashion. It was probably easy to guess what I liked artistically just by looking at me. I would wear my favorite musicians merch like a right of passage, hoping someone would ask me about their music or tell me they listen to them as well. Maybe I’d have a good conversation. But maybe I’d make a friend. Looking back on it, all I ever wanted was meaningful relationships. Not to be someone who was passive to another’s existence. I spent so much time in my teens years feeling lonely. It is very much an insufferable cliche. The kid who thinks their music taste is good and is depressed and misunderstood or something. I hate that all of it was true. But the purest truth out of it all, was the comfort and safety I felt within that music.

Music has been there for me for every possible occassion, emotion, high and low. The thing is, I know I am romanticizing it. However, my greatest epiphany I’ve had in recent years, is why does that matter? So what if I want to romanticize my life. For once, I am starting to feel okay with being a little delusional. I’m healthier that way. My relationships are healthier that way. I have clarity.

A core functionality to this romanticization is the transcension of music’s role in my life. It was when I picked up that camera and focused on creating visuals for others that the dots connected. My love of music gave me purpose

People began wanting me around. People began talkking to me. And not just because it made sense to, but because others cared about my opinion. Cared what it was I could add to their already established passion. I held value. I felt valued. Something I always questioned whether or not I possessed.

I’ve gained amazing memories and experiences because of that love of music. I’ve lived an infinite amount of lives because of the foundation of sound. I don’t love music for what it’s done for me. Instead, I love it because of what it does for us. Music brings people together. The cure for all loneliness. A cure that I didn’t know was right in front of me my whole life. I am so grateful to say that I can afford (barely) to now move to New York because of music. Everyday I feel as though I am making ym 15 year old self proud. I know he wouldn’t fathom some of the accomplishments I’ve reached. For the most part though, I think I always knew I’d be okay.

With all that sentimental yapping out of the way, it’s fair to think why not love for videos or editing or something like that. The truth is, I don’t think that’s what fuels me. It so happen to be the medium which allowed myself to communicate ideas and expression effectively but it isn’t what feels worth romanticizing. I could sit here and say oh yeah my dad let me hold and record on his Hi8 when I was like 5, and how I shot my first film camera in Second grade, or how I filmed YouTube videos with my friends, and how all of that led me to this point. And while that’s true its not what guides me. I don’t fiend for that new visual necessarily. I fuel for that song that makes me feel like nothing else matters. That sense of world building really. So idk, I guess it’s all relative.

I guess my point of all this is to say, realize that dreams fluctuate and grow. But please, I beg you, never let them die. Nurture yourself. Stand for what you believe in. Be truthful to yourself. Love yourself so you can feel the love of everything else around you. Everything will unfold and unfold and unfold. Never stop unfolding. Who knows maybe I was supposed to be lazy this week. Maybe I’ll realize why years from now.

For now I’m going to get back to work and stop being lazy. Cuz the 15 year old me knows how grateful I am to be moving to New York. I owe it to him.

08/29/2024

Couldn’t go to the Snow Strippers Boiler show today im sad :/

I need to move to NY asappppp

My work I posted for the In This House video got so much support. Super grategul for all the opportunities I’ve got. People hyping me up for the 1700 layers thing is funny because that shit was lowkey driving me crazy. Had to think of an idea fast before leaving for a trip to get the video going. And my dumbass said lets just have it collage like every frame.

Week + worth of work paid off tho. Wish it woulda frfr dropped and not just been used as promo but I’ll take the W for sure. Full circle moment too. Been listening to O’s music for so long. Got to film and help set up one of his earliest NY shows. No one knew bro was gonna blow up 2 weeks later. Love to see it

Getting to first hand witness people become successful in their art is so beautiful. Especially when it comes to editor community. The friends I’ve made through videos mean a lot to me. Having a network and support system of like minded people all trynna make it is inspiring to say the least.

I love this shit. Thank you all.

08/30/2024

I feel very full of life right now. It bothers me kinda that I could feel very much the opposite only a day after feeling so terrible but I’ll take the win. I want to try and hold onto this feeling. Carry with it in a way. I’m itching to create, talk to my friends, express love and such. I just got done having a great and long conversation with my brother. More so just kinda shooting the shit. But it was nice. I always enjoy our conversations. They keep me grounded. I make sure to always listen. Like really listen. I often find myself wanting to think of what I wanna say next but I disregard it. Listening is so important. It keeps the conversation in touch and real. Natural.

Okay going to work on a video. It’s a good day.

08/21/2024

Why do I feel most alive when I’m going through it. I don’t like the comfortability I feel in dispair.

I am easily the most insecure I have ever been in my entire life. I don’t know what wrong or went right to cause this. Maybe I do. But the answer I think of isn’t fair. I love that thing too much. Both things. Paranoia filles my every thought and action. I’ve watched the last 2 years of my life in third person. I am detattched from the bueaties and achievements I should feel. My soul aches to just be in the present. I feel like a broken record but it’s the truth. The present is so hard to catch. Those brief moments I find myself where my feet are I hold onto. I bottle them up with every muscle in my body. The worse part is I feel guilty for all of it. How can I sit here and have pity for myself. My life is fine. It is priveleged. I am blessed.

I hope the white light is waiting for me on the otherside. I know purity is waiting.

The only silver lining to me writing these entries is I’m becoming okay with others knowing I’m not. As far as I know at the moment, no one even knows this page of my website exists. Which I like. Which is also probably backwards and unhealthy. But the more comfortable I get behind my squarespace login I become, the more comfortable I’ll be when someone in front of me asks “how are you?”

But honestly, when I answer with “I’m okay”, I’m not lying. I am. I’m okay. I’m not gonna crashout, I’m not gonna do something I wouldn’t normally do. I feel like people are so quick to jump to the craziest thing. Which I don’t blame them. We live in a crazy time. I can always promise I have love in my mind, body, and soul though. The day I lose how to love is the day I lose myself.

08/09/2024

I think I’m deteriorating. I use to just bury it because it felt like my head. Not sure if I can tell the difference anymore.

But I’m okay because I should be. Why do I feel my weakest when I should be my strongest. Maybe I’m not grateful enough. I promise I am though.

My head just hurts so bad.

I am going to journal more feelings of positivity. That’s probably what matters most at the end of the day.

What if I’m more torn than I thought?

08/05/2024

Nature will bring us together.

Today I went to a wake for someone who I couldn’t remember until I got there. I don’t like how easily I forget things and people and other things. My brain seemingly rejects some details and I hate it. I was feeling very indifferent upon arriving and standing in line waiting for my turn to say my condolences. But it was when I seen that young boy lined up, waiting to greet strangers who would tell him they’re sorry for his loss who he doesn’t know who he will forget but also remember because they could never begin to grasp what he’s going through or will go through or has gone through and the worst part is there is nothing I could say to him that would make anything better or even sound better than the people before me and after me because there was nothing anyone could say to me when I was in that exact same situation.

But that is the exact problem. The situations are not the same and never could be.

Everyone is special

Everyone serves a purpose.

And naturally, everyone must move on.

And in that, in that very cycle, we are all the same.

Nature will bring us together.

08/04/2024

I think im tired of thinking.

I’ve spent my whole life prioritizing the bigger picture. Which honestly has worked. But only when looking back. But my present-self is seemingly always overwhelmed. I believe in myself enough to know everything will be okay but how worth it can it be to sacrifice my happiness in this very moment? I didn’t have an answer for it then and I don’t have an answer for it now.

I think what’s kept me going, as far as pursuing my dreams, is the idea that I can be comfortable with less. I don’t mind the idea of a mundane “regular” life. In fact I think I really like it. But where is my gratitude in that? I’m priveleged enough to be able to take my time and use it wisely to attempt achieving more than what was meant for me. Who am I to deny such blessings. I know I am not chosen. None of us are. It is not nihilistic. It is the awareness of how we should all be equal.

I could feel equal wherever I choose to show love

Passion; as internal, as external.

07/28/2024

Today I saw a chicken cross the road.

My brother recently told me lore does not deserve to be revealed if an individual was not there for its conception. There is some truth to that. Or maybe I chose to look too deep into that. This logic requires us to be in the present. To accept and trust that our current perception of something or someone is as valid as any other moment on a given timeline. But there’s something so intruiging about one’s past just as much as what their future beholds. It is as established as it is a fluid ideation of memories and expereinces.

When we discover something or someone we like, we naturally want all of it. We want to fill up space on said timeline. We’ll try to relate to the contrasting reality as a coping mechanism. However, real joy and appreciation for another thing spawns when we accept that chemistry is as alive is it will ever be right now. Now is everything. Now changes our past as much as it changes our future. I wish to live in the present. To appraoch every moment with passion and excitement. I don’t want to loathe in the fear of what was or what will be. I wish to love love itself.

I’m tired of wasting now.

When I saw the chicken cross the road today on my bike ride I realized how happy I was to experience something unusual in comparison to my average day. An offset of sorts. I am so grateful to have enjoyed my day.

07/07/2024

I use to journal a lot. I have not put many new words into my physical diary as of recent months, maybe even the past year.

I find myself becoming stupid. Like genuinely dumb. My commitment to the pursuit of an artistic endeavors has left me weak and a digital zombie. It’s the worst it has probably ever been and I hate it. I dont remember things. I care less about substance and more about aesthetics and I probably wont even go back and fix most grammatical and or spelling errors in this entry. Also, that’s not to say I do not care about substance completely, just less. However, I am trying to fix that. I want to revive my purest self. Purity is everything to me. It’s what fuels my creative process most. Or the chase of it maybe. I tend to be unsure about a lot of things. The anxiety I feel about the things I care about keeps me grateful.

I always want more. I wanna fix that too. I also wanna fix my prefacing-self. Like why do I feel the need to explain why I like something. The line between ironic and unironic is so blurred. Everything is so relative. Which is beautiful but also allows way too many people to create non sense for a quick view. And views = money. And I still dont know what money equals. probably something mundane in most cases. Money tends to hurt people. That’s a larger issue tho.

I really need a way to vent more. As much as I’d like to say that this entry page is just that, me venting, it’s probably not true. I wanna avoid the ‘I have really important things to say and everyone needs to hear this and im so deep and blah blah” connotation desperately, but I think we all feel that way about ourselves. No matter the artistic medium of expression at hand, we all have a part of us that wants to heard on a more personal level. So it’s really whatever I guess. Why wouldn’t I want people to feel deeply about what I make when I feel so deeply about what other people make? I love to love and I mean that with upmost sincerity. Passion is everything. It’s what seperates the mundane from the pure. It keeps growth alive. Enriches the soil.

Pure Passion doesn’t need Fertilizers.